The European Commission reported 2.2 million marriages in the EU in 2006, including 350,000 international couples; for the same period, some 170,000 out of the 875,000 divorces filed involved international couples. Indeed, the EU was counting because it’s under pressure to clarify divorce laws for such couples.
Our couples in this French News special confirm that cross-border relationships can be challenging, but are also enormously enriching. They are all living proof that love really does cross all boundaries. Here they share their insight into what makes a succesful intercultural couple. But, they point out, don’t take the obvious for granted: language skills.
Dorothy Dartigues, our Golden Anniversary wife, says her only regret in 50 years in France is not taking a French refresher course! Polly Platt, author of a just-released collection of profiles of Franco-American couples ‘Love à la française’, says the same: “Each person should make an enormous effort to really learn the other person’s language. Otherwise you’re just always in a fog.”

What’s tougher: practical obstacles or culture shock?
Peter Linnell: For my wife, the biggest hassle in the US was… going through US immigration. We had to prove that our marriage was not a fake one… and go through an interview that makes the one in the ‘Green Card’ movie look like a piece of cake! The icing on the cake was when Pauline was asked if she was a member of a prostitute network or dealing drugs. After [that], getting me a carte de séjour was a breeze.
Marilyn Catchpole: At first I relied on my husband to deal with all the paperwork but as my French improves I am more independent. There is definitely a different mentality which I found very difficult at first. Suddenly you have changed from this independent, selfsufficient woman, into someone who can’t speak up for herself anymore. My self-esteem took a nosedive and at 51, it took a lot of courage to persevere with my new life.

How is the other person’s ‘foreignness’ part of their charm?
Barbara Diggs: I felt that Tobias, being German, gave me a key to a completely different world. Not just to German culture, but European culture. And the German-ness fascinated me too: how he still thinks of 2 to 4pm as ‘quiet hour’; his frantic need to be on time, his sense of humour which is, now I know, very unique to Berlin.
Peter Linnell: Pauline, from the year she learned English, told her mum she would marry a gentleman who spoke that beautiful language. And I always thought, from my teen years, that I would live in Europe. Then, life happened.
Karen Pegley: [His being French] opens up doors for me into realms of other French things. Because he’s French, we meet other French people. It makes me more accepted, though obviously not as a French person. It’s a big advantage to me. I would never go out with an English person in France.

What is your biggest source of tension related to cultural questions?
Peter Stap: We eat at midday. Whether I’m ready to eat or not is not the question. Our only bone of contention is the question of time. She’s very rigid about time. In Lorraine, it’s like that.
Dorothy Dartigues: I’d love to say, ‘well we’ll just have a sandwich for lunch’. But there’s no getting out of having two three-course meals a day. That’s been a bit of a problem now that we’re older. At exactly quarter past 12, he’ll be sitting at the table and he’s got his olives and paté.
Marilyn Catchpole: The English have a sandwich and a cuppa at lunchtime. For dinner they put everything on one plate and always forget to put bread out and the French expect you to eat four courses twice a day with wine.
Barbara Diggs: Timeliness. He’s always on time. I’m not. It’s definitely cultural on both our parts.
Karen Pegley: The only difficult thing is jokes. Some things he’ll find funny that are completely wasted on me. And for me, sometimes it’s the intonation of phrasing: is it a question or a statement? It doesn’t cause a row but it is annoying.

How did you choose whose language to speak?
Karen Pegley: He doesn’t speak any English at all. We started lessons, as you would. But he wasn’t really all that interested and that’s quite OK by me. I really wouldn’t want us to be speaking in English.
Peter Stap: I had no idea she could speak English. One day I heard her speak English to someone and she said, ‘Why don’t we speak English together?’ A few minutes later, she said, ‘Je ne comprends pas. Comment?’ When we speak English together, it’s as if I’m giving her a lesson.
Peter Linnel: We have always spoken English at home; we intend to keep doing so with our little girl from Vietnam. It is all the more important that the ‘minority’ language is English now and we want our daughter to speak it fluently.

How did your families react to your marriage?
Alastair Ross: I wrote a letter to ask for her hand in marriage. First I got a refusal, then they changed their minds. My family were pleased! I suppose my mother-in-law saw her daughter and future grandchildren disappearing over the Channel. Her fears were unfounded. She saw us three times a year until we moved over.
Bérengère Ross: The French image at that time was that English husbands were always in their clubs!
Marilyn Catchpole: No problems. Although we did have it to run it by his mother first – he was 52 at the time!
Dorothy Dartigues: My father liked France very much after World War I. There was nothing really strange about it.

How did you pick whose country to live in?
Dorothy Dartigues: There was no question of ever going to live in England. But I liked Toulouse and thought it was a very lively city. I don’t think he would have wanted to live in England. He had his job here – and there was also the climate.
Karen Pegley: I prefer France or obviously I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable again in England.
Peter Linnell: We are still considering living in a different country. Canada (Quebec) is high on our list, because it is a great mix of English/French language and culture. We [also] think it is a more tolerant country for different ethnic groups than either France or the US. We are thinking ahead for our little Vietnamese daughter.
Barbara Diggs: When we realised we were getting serious, Tobias told me that he didn’t know if he could live the rest of his life in the US, and asked if I would be willing to spend some time in Europe. I had never lived abroad before, but I agreed. I didn’t want to live in Germany because I felt that I would be overwhelmed by his culture and family and friends and that it would be very hard for me to find my own way.

How do your children view themselves?
Alastair Ross: There are moments growing up when you’re generally not sure of yourself. Children are less conscious of nationality, they are just themselves. Our kids have sides of both countries. All three feel like that. It’s more a source of pride than a burden.
Dorothy Dartigues: One daughter is a prof d’anglais now. The only one who wasn’t interested was my son. He’s rather more a Catalan than English or French. A little bit like my mother-inlaw really. But he’s not like that now and nor are his children. My grandson just came back from England and loves England.

What one question do you think mixed couples should ask themselves before tying the knot?
Marilyn Catchpole: The many legal differences should be looked at such as, ‘is your marriage legal in France?’, inheritance laws etc.
Barbara Diggs: How flexible are you about where you live? How will you raise your children? At some point, you will probably have to give up or compromise on some part of your culture, be it a ritual or your country or just a way of thinking. Peter Stap: Why are you attracted to me? Why do you want to look after me for the rest of my life?
Dorothy Dartigues: The only thing I would say is perhaps to read a book or some conseils on what basic French life is and how life goes on in a French family. Because the mentality is quite different… It isn’t personal but you feel it personally because you’re not used to it… But the problems you have at the beginning disappear. The old people die off and the children grow up. Everything changes. I can make my life the way I want it now.

Alastair and Bérengère Ross (Fayence, Var)

He’s English; she’s French. They met when she was but 14 and on exchange. He dated her girlfriend first but later ‘swapped’ for Bérengère. They married 40 years ago in Paris with Alastair, he jokes, in “Count Dracula’s cape”. They raised two of three sons near London before moving to France to care for her aging parents. Alastair is now Chairman of the Var British Association and Bérengère is a masseuse.

Karen Pegley and Rudolph Les Picault (Dax, Les Landes)

She’s English, he’s French. She’s also 10 years older than him. Yet they have everything in common. Neither ever wanted to get married or have children but both were already sure to spend the rest of their lives in France. They met in a bar in Rouen seven years ago when Rudolph started “chatting up” Karen’s dog. They have since moved to Dax where people remark on both their accents and he’s taken to calling himself M. Pegley.

Peter and Catherine Stap (Panissières, Loire)

He’s English; she’s from Lorraine. (He says that explains a lot!) They met when he was in his 70s and Peter had already lived in France for more than 40 years. Each had been wed before and has grown children, but they’ve been married now 10 years. Peter says his wife thinks he’s more French than English – until he does something to annoy her and then, “it’s because you’re English!”

Peter and Pauline Linnell (Redon, llle-et-Vilaine)

He’s American, she’s Bretonne (well, French). They met and married in the US; they thought they had picked a French-speaking Justice of the Peace for their Cape Cod wedding but he turned out to speak only Québécois Old French and no one understood a word. In 2005, they moved to France to be closer to Pauline’s aging parents. Now married eight years, they are expecting a happy event: the adoption of a little girl from Vietnam.

Barbara Diggs and Tobias Trautner (Paris)

She’s American, he’s German. They met in New York but are raising their one-year old son in France. Tobias didn’t want to stay forever in the US, but Barbara didn’t want to live in Germany. So they picked Paris as “neutral territory”. While planning her own intercultural wedding, Barbara was astounded to find no howto book on the topic. So she’s writing one herself: ‘Weddings Without Borders’.

Dorothy and Auguste Dartigues (Salses-le- Château, Pyrénées- Orientales)

She’s English, he’s French. Married 50 years this September 6, they met when she came to visit an English girlfriend engaged to his twin brother. Her parents didn’t mind; her brother had already married a French girl. Dorothy and Auguste raised two daughters and a son in Toulouse. Now 84, Dorothy says she never expected to make it to the Golden Anniversary but will celebrate it with her children, seven grandchildren and friends from the Association France-Grande Bretagne.

Mixed marriage counselling
Here are questions suggested by cross-culture trainers to discuss before you head to the mairie:
1. Where will we live? Under what circumstances would you consider living in ‘my’ country?
2. What do your parents expect of us?
3. What would you do if your parents criticised me – or vice versa?
4. How will we celebrate holidays?
5. How will our children’s upbringing differ from our own?
Recommended reading (available in France via Amazon):
‘Intercultural Marriage: Promises and Pitfalls’ by Dugan Romano (3rd ed., Intercultural Press, 2008)
‘Love à la française : What Happens When Hervé Meets Sally’ by Polly Platt (Mep, 2008)
‘Mixed Matches: How to Create Successful Interracial, Interethnic, and Interfaith Relationships’ by Joel Crohn (Fawcett Books, 1996)
‘Marriage with a French Accent’ by Norma Phillips (authorHouse, 2008)